Of course I am sure when you read the title you had basically figured out in your mind what my post was going to be about right? For the most part you are more then likely right. As I took my husband to work this morning, frustrated from the night before, where my sugar without any food decided to raise higher then it has been in the last month, my husband asked are you going to church today? I already knew the answer deep down in my heart but when he asked I totally lost my emotions and explained "I don't want to be a church person." You see let me explain something to you before we get any deeper into my faith journey currently.
Most of you know this but lets give some back hand facts:
In the last 10 years of my life as a "church worker" these are the things I have "carried" my cross for.
-Friendships built on false pretense
-Accusations of having an affair with a fellow staff member
-Being told I had no right to be apart of the foundation in the building of a church community
-My tattoos prove that I am evil
-A female should never be in leadership
-If I ever wanted to ask a question in the church, I needed to make sure it was within my pay grade.
Of course all of those statements are what have happened with in the church walls with the very "support team" I thought were there together to build a kingdom.
The many words said to me from "church people" are honestly too harsh to bring back into my personal memory. If you ever want a good kick in the stomach you should just go work for a church. Now I understand not "all" churches are this way. But believe it or not MANY behind the scenes are much more cut throat then working on Wall Street.
Now that I have a choice, I am freed from the looking glass, the fish bowl I spent most of my adult life thus far I am left understanding why many people in my life who have the strongest faith in the world don't want to be "church" people. Perhaps it's my understanding of church work that makes me want to run the opposite direction from church.
And then it happened...
I got pregnant.
Of course when you are pregnant you can't help but feel the joy of the new life God has blessed you with. However, I haven't really felt joy yet. No in fact in my disappointment this morning I shared too that I was at times angry with God. I see many of my friends having healthy, normal, easy pregnancy. Me on the other hand, I stick myself in the stomach 4 times a day, in the fingers 10-15 times a day, I have negativity in the form of negative blood constantly battling my positive child. The sickness hasn't been wonderful but bearable, not pooping for days has brought its long list of pains in my belly, back and even legs. My poor husband needs a gas mask from the gas that does flow from my body. I'm sorry to all you happy pregnant ladies but pregnancy SUCKS. Of course, I am mad at God for not making it a little easier. If I know anything about the God I serve, He laughs at my silliness not to trust in Him. The great teacher He created in me walks by the faith of small steps. She waits for Satan to do harm to her instead of praising God for the blessings and provisions He has provided her.
Naturally, I know that if I became a "church" person I would have the networking of people praying and growing with me. However, now that I am married, I don't what to do that alone and now that I am pregnant I know I need God more then ever but my heart is heavy with the grief of the unknown.
Even as I write those words I can't help but be sad and upset with myself. Many people have had such a greater loss or fight such bigger battles. They have had miscarriage after miscarriage, infertility issues, they are raising children with special needs or have a child fighting cancer, sadly a few have lost children way to soon. Yet, each of them or those that I know have faith that will move mountains!
I choose to spend my Sunday mornings reading scripture in a quiet house alone, I sing old hymns my grandmother Snead would sit and sing with me and that is my church.
I don't want this to end on a sour note. The purpose of this blog wasn't to bash those that go to church, rather share the heart of a hurting servant who at times as felt hanging to dry with no help. However, there has been many blessings for my life and even my child's life through amazing church friends.. these are among the people who make up the good in the church.
Not all church people are bad.
Matter of fact the majority of them are among the most incredible people I have ever met!
They are kind, sweet, compassionate and loving people.
They get a bad rap because of the handful in the church who are constantly there to take their hurt out on others.
Not all church staff members are terrible, I can count with both hands some of the greatest people I have worked with on a church staff.
The truth is this.. I don't want to be a "church" person in the four walls of the church right now because of the fear of becoming one of the negative ones. I don't want to get involved in a church right now because of the fear of disappointment or even let down. I often watched people leave ministry and take years to go back into the church. I left ministry and the next week was visiting a new church. Someone asked "Don't you need a break" I replied "You can't take a break from Jesus" and that is the truth!
For now I don't know what a church building holds for me and my family. But I know that Christ holds a promise that He will never leave me, never forsake me and will always provide for me. What more in this world do I really need?
The answer is easy. Nothing.
Christ is the beginning and the end.
We need nothing more then Him.
Our love comes from Him.
Our hope comes from Him.
Our joy comes from Him.
It is in Him and through Him that all things are made possible!
While darkness may be trying to get into the heart of a faithful servant I know that God is still there! He is still willing and able to change my broken soul to a soul that will Glorify Him!
It is normally through our broken soul that God is glorified the most!
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